Dr. Lawrence Lennon

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For the love of children…

THE UNDERACHIEVING CHILD

PART I
By Lawrence B. Lennon, Ph. D.

 

It usually begins early—first, second, or even third grade. Underachievement starts to show itself around the fourth and fifth grade when homework is assigned. It typically gets worse in middle school. In high school the problem often becomes a disaster. A bright child who should be getting all A’s and B’s brings home a report card with C’s and D’s and sometimes even F’s.

Teachers provide parents with the same message: “We know he is capable of doing so much better, but he doesn’t seem to care. If only he would pay attention in class, hand in his homework…” Parents listen silently, often frustrated and angry. They don’t understand. Their other children have done exceptionally well and now they are being told they have a child who is failing. Their strategies of pleading logic (“It’s important to hand in your homework, get good grades and to go to college.”) and authoritarian power (“You’re grounded, no TV and no phone privileges!”) have failed. They are ready to give up.

About this time parents often turn to so-called “experts” and sometimes receive terrible advice. “He is just going through a stage; ignore it and he’ll eventually outgrow it.” or “Let him fail and eventually he’ll pick himself up.”

Underachievement is a national problem with far-reaching consequences. It jeopardizes children’s futures and deprives them of deep inner satisfaction of feeling competent. Underachievers usually suffer from low self-image and lack of confidence, and they emotionally drop out of school. I have never seen a child who is doing poorly in school who feels good about himself.

The causes of underachievement are as varied as children are varied. The problem may be simply due to poor study habits, poor organization or a lack of internal discipline. It could be symptomatic of more serious problems such as depression, anxiety, substance abuse or marital discord between the parents. Perhaps it is the result of learning disabilities, impaired vision or hearing or a neurological handicap. Sometimes underachievement is the result of interplay of several physical and psychological factors. More often than not, underachievement is the result of an acquired attitude of helplessness (“I can’t do it.”) or defiance (“I won’t do it.”).

Regardless of its origins, the results of underachievement are almost always the same: a bright child’s talents are wasted and emotional consequences occur.

To address this problem of underachievement, let me begin by suggesting two operation premises:

  1. Every child needs and wants to feel competent by succeeding in school; and
  2. Educating children is the primary responsibility of the parents—not the teachers.

Most parents readily accept the first premise but balk at the notion that they are responsible for education their children. But it is true. Parents delegate much of their responsibility for education their children to the teachers, but the parents are ultimately responsible for seeing to it that their children are well educated. Parents should support the teachers and follow through at home with what they have been taught in the classroom. For the sake of the children, parents and teachers should be united to expecting, within reasonable boundaries, children to meet the following six criteria:

  1. Attend all classes and be on time;
  2. Pay attention to what is being taught;
  3. Read the assigned material;
  4. Hand in completed and accurate homework;
  5. Do well on quizzes and examinations;
  6. Behave properly.

When a child begins to do poorly in school, academically, socially or behaviorally, parents’ inner alarms should go off. Underachievers typically do not recognize that they have a problem; or if they do, they will not admit it. A poor report card is a clear message to parents that they must do something to help their child.

The first step in helping an underachieving child is to recognize that there is a problem. The second step is for parents to realize that they have the responsibility to constructively intervene.

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for the love of children…

THE UNDERACHIEVING CHILD

 PART II
By Lawrence B. Lennon, Ph. D.

 

If parents accept the premise that it is their responsibility to help their underachieving child (which I hope they do!), I wish to offer some suggestions that have proved to be successful:

  1. Talk to your child. Show your concern. See if there are any personal problems at home or at school which can be resolved. But remember, regardless of any problems which may be present, children need to succeed in school.
  2. Talk with your child’s teachers to see the teacher’ perspectives. Ask for suggestions as to how you can help reinforce at home what is being taught in the classroom. Support the teachers.
  3. Set up a quiet study spot, well lighted and free of auditory and visual distractions. A child’s bedroom is usually the worst place for an underachieving child to study; there are too many distractions. The kitchen table, the bathroom, or a special study area where a child can be monitored usually works quite well.
  4. Set up a positive reinforcement schedule for good school behavior, good study habits. And especially for good efforts and good grades. Depending upon the child’s age, hugs, stars, prizes, etc., are great motivators.
  5. Institute a weekly monitoring system so you can know immediately if your child is handing in his homework, doing well on quizzes, and behaving himself in class. Let the teachers know what you are doing and ask for their cooperation. Without information from the schools, you are beat! Underachievers are typically not the best message carriers. Go directly to the teachers. Exercise your right and love for your child.
  6. Make sure any missing assignment is completed and handed in even if it is long past due. Poor test performance indicates a lack of knowledge and preparation. Parents and child should review and correct every exam on which the child did poorly.
  7. Check your child’s homework and require corrections to careless mistakes or sloppy work. When your child genuinely does not understand something, parents should become tutors.
  8. Quiz your child before every exam. Be sure your child understands the material. Rehearse, rehearse, rehearse.
  9. Make sure your child does all extra credit projects. Underachievers need all the help they can get. When teachers make extra learning experiences available, parents should require this extra effort of their children.
  10. When a child continuously misbehaves in the classroom, parents should periodically attend class with the child. The message being “If you continue to choose to not be responsible, I love you enough to be in school to help you.”The best motivator—bar none—is success. Success breeds success. If a child is doing well, continue with encouragement and support and let him fly. If a child is underachieving, continue with encouragement and support, but add direct guidance. We as parents must never stand by and watch our children seriously jeopardize their futures and self-esteem by failing.Let our love for our children be matched by our courage to help them when they need it.

The best motivator—bar none—is success. Success breeds success. If a child is doing well, continue with encouragement and support and let him fly. If a child is underachieving, continue with encouragement and support, but add direct guidance. We as parents must never stand by and watch our children seriously jeopardize their futures and self-esteem by failing.

Let our love for our children be matched by our courage to help them when they need it.

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for the love of children…

Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder

by Lawrence B. Lennon, Ph.D.

 

Is your child easily distracted, impulsive? Does he have a short attention span and trouble organizing and completing tasks? Is his school work messy? Is he underachieving in school? Do teachers say he doesn’t concentrate, has trouble remaining seated, and is constantly fidgeting and manipulating objects? If you answer yes to any or all of these questions, maybe your child has an Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder or what’s better known as ADHD. But, then again, maybe he just needs more discipline.

ADHD is a popular term being used more and more by parents, teachers, and mental health professionals. Today, more than ever, many of our children are being medicated to control this type of behavior. But is ADHD just a “catch all label” under which every active child who misbehaves is placed? Some professionals believe it is so, while other professionals strongly disagree. So what do parents do?

As with all major decisions affecting the well-being of a child, there is no substitute for an inquisitive, well-informed parent. To provide one perspective, which hopefully concerned parents will include, I submit the following observations:

ASSESSMENT
There is no one way to determine if a child has ADHD and competent professionals may often disagree. But if the ADHD diagnosis is given, I strongly recommend that it be used only if a multidisciplinary assessment is performed involving input from the parents, the child, teachers, a psychologist, and a psychiatrist. When a consensus of opinions is reached about a child’s behavior among these team members, then the diagnosis of ADHD is warranted. If there is not a consensus, another opinion should be sought.

CAUSES
There is no single cause for ADHD. The same behavior (interrupting others, not listening when spoken to, constant squirming in a chair, shifting from one uncompleted activity to another, etc.) can be due to central nervous system abnormalities, but also can be attributed to boredom, chaotic home life, physical abuse, poor discipline, and attention-seeking purposes.

TREATMENT
If ADHD is determined by thorough assessment to be present then treatment is available. The selection of the most effective treatment approach is based upon what is known about the origin of the disorder as well as information about the environmental variables that may be sustaining inappropriate behavior. For example, medication alone may be helpful for a child who has central nervous problems but is unlikely to help a child who is reacting to a disruptive home environment. Psychotherapy is usually effective in helping children who are having trouble concentrating and obeying because of emotional problems. However, when therapy alone does not appear to be changing a child’s overactive behavior, the combination of counseling and medication may be necessary.

When a child is continuously exhibiting disruptive behavior at home or at school, the parents need to intervene. The resolution of the problem begins with a thorough assessment of a child and this should include an understanding of what is causing and perpetuating the behavior. Parental involvement in the treatment is not only a responsibility but a right.

Previously published in Indy’s Child

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for the love of children…

10/10 Dialogue

By Lawrence B. Lennon, Ph.D

 

Question:
What does intimacy, finance, and child rearing have in common?

Answer:
They all are pressure points in a marriage which account for most of the arguments that couples engage in.

Solutions:
While each of these problems represents unique issues which should be individually addressed, they are often symptomatic of the most basic of marital problems:
LACK OF COMMUNICATION.

Clear, continuous and loving communication between spouses is essential for a marriage to be successful and growing. When a marriage is strained, unhappy or just stale, not only do the spouses suffer, but the problems often are manifested through the children. In our work with children and adolescents who are hurting, we have found that in order to help them we often just first help the parents. Our initial step in helping parents is to teach them a more effective way to communicate. A very powerful tool to help marriages in distress and to make good marriages better is the 10/10 dialogue. The rules are deceptively simple, and it requires only 20 minutes a day.

The 10/10 dialogues consists of spending ten minutes a day writing a love letter to your spouse. It can be done any time during the day, and it should be written spontaneously without regard to spelling and punctuation. It should be from the heart with “I” messages rather than “you” messages. For example, instead of saying, “You don’t like my mother,” it is more constructive to say, “I feel you don’t like my mother.”

Once each partner has written his/her letter, with an appropriate salutation and closing, the letter is personally exchanged at a predetermined time in a private location. After dinner or when the kids are in bed is usually a convenient time, and the bedroom is the most frequently chosen location. All interruptions from TV, radio, children, phone calls, etc., are to be avoided.

The letters are exchanged with a kiss, and each letter is read silently two times. Then ten minutes are allocated to discuss the contents of the letter. Again, “I” messages and feeling statements are to be gently and calmly shared. At the end of the ten minutes a new topic (or even the same topic) is selected for the next 10/10 dialogues and a time is scheduled for the next day’s session. Spouses alternate in picking the topic and the location of the next meeting.

The 10/10 dialogue is a powerful means of communicating. Because feelings are initially shared in writing dominated by “I” messages, yelling, finger pointing and word games are minimized. Defensiveness is reduced, and openness to the feeling and ideas of one’s partner is facilitated. With openness and the spirit of cooperation, virtually any marital problem can be resolved. Trade-offs, compromises, apologies and sincere promises to be more thoughtful are signs of a maturing relationship.

A few topics for the 10/10 dialogue are listed below. Eventually couples should select topics most suitable for their circumstances.
How do I feel when…
• I think about your most endearing quality (be sure to name it!)
• I think of how our children are growing up.
• You cry (laugh or sing).
• You put me down in front of other people.
• Et cetera.

Good marriages are not made in heaven; they begin in the hearts and minds of two committed individuals. But even if there is goodness in one’s heart and mind, unless it is translated into loving actions, this goodness will never be felt.

The 10/10 dialogue is a specific, concrete way that couples can demonstrate their commitment to the vows they made on their wedding day.

Previously published in Indy’s Child

http://drlawrencelennon.com/children/for-the-love-of-children/

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for the love of children…

He is a Child…Not a Diagnosis

by Lawrence B. Lennon, P.h.D

 

Blessed are the children who are conceived and born to parents who welcome their arrival with open arms and loving hearts.  These innocent babies quickly absorb and thrive with the nurturing they are spontaneously given by caring parents.  They viscerally learn to trust their caregivers to meet their basic physical and emotional needs.  As time unfolds, the doting parents are rewarded with a curious, engaging child that seeks to please the parents by cooing, smiling, and eventual accomplishments of walking, talking, going potty, doing well in school, and a lifetime of striving to make their parents proud.  Mutual bonding is a wonder to behold and this is how an individual’s code of morality is developed:  a child wants to please the loving parents.

Sadly, the majority of our foster children locked in “the system” have acquired severe emotional, behavioral, and psychological problems precisely because they have never experienced a loving bond with a nurturing parent.  Most foster children have been subjected to drugs in utero and then, after birth, were neglected and /or abused by parents who, as children, were likely to have been abused themselves.  By the time CPS recognized the plight of these innocent children, they have experienced deep experiential wounds that will last a lifetime.  They, unlike the bonded child, pre-verbally see the world as being unsafe, dangerous, and unpredictable.  Instinctively, these powerless, wounded children learn that if they are to survive, they must rely only on themselves and be wary of all those who come with false promises of wanting to help.  For the foster child, the need to survive dominates any desire to please another human being.

This instinct for survival becomes even more acute and more deeply embedded when abused children enter the uncertain life of foster care. As a foster child, they are likely to suffer a softer and more subtle form of neglect and abuse. Too many times, these children are physically and sexually abused by older and bigger children in the institutions, hospitals, and foster homes where they have been unwillingly sent. Sometimes they are even abused by the adults they encounter in these placements that notoriously have a very high turnover rate for staff. Well-meaning foster parents are often not adequately trained to deal with seriously troubled children and/or are not provided the necessary support when their foster child begins to become destructive to property and violent to self and others. That is why it is not uncommon for foster children to have been in four, eight, ten or more foster homes with intermittent stops at acute psychiatric hospitals and residential (sometimes) “treatment” facilities.

In virtually all of these failed placement experiences, “experts” are called upon to give therapy to the wounded child and to provide guidance to the foster parents. Many experts, who have never been foster parents themselves, see these sad, lonely, angry children as victims of an ill-defined “mental disorder.” They then pronounce a diagnosis that gives the illusion that there is a definitive reason as to why the child is acting the way he does. In reality, a “diagnosis” is but a descriptive term of a cluster of behaviors that an “expert” gives to a child after clinical observation and sometimes psychological testing. It is a descriptive term of behavior that a lonely, hurting, and angry child is exhibiting. A diagnosis does not explain why a child is engaging or choosing to act in a certain way.

For example, consider a child who has been to five different schools in two years because of failed foster home placements. One could safely predict that this child will also be misbehaving in his next school and will fail many of his classes. An expert will observe, maybe test the child, and inevitably will diagnose this child as having ADHD which is but a description of how a child is acting. Thus, the descriptive diagnosis will then be used to explain why the child is acting the way he is: “Johnny is getting up out of his chair because he has ADHD.”

Likewise, when an angry, lonely, sad foster child is very sweet or charming when he wants something but then explodes when he doesn’t get his way, someone will observe this behavior and may give a diagnosis of “bipolar disorder” or “intermittent explosive behavior disorder.” Behavior described by a diagnosis, becomes behavior caused by the diagnosis. This process of morphing an abstract, primarily descriptive concept into a concrete entity is referred to as reification.

When the medical model is used to categorize or label a wounded child’s inappropriate behavior it can diminish a child’s belief, and those that work with him, in his capabilities to alter his behavior. All forms of inappropriate behavior can sometimes be attributed to an underlying “mental disorder” without consideration for the reason why a wounded child is acting a certain way. Withdrawn behavior with peers becomes equated with “asperger disorder;” repeated stealing becomes “kleptomania disorder,” unrelenting argumentative behavior is due to “oppositional disorder,” continual violation of society’s laws is because of his “conduct disorder”, and, of course, an unwillingness to show affection to his fifth foster parents is due to his “reactive attachment disorder.”

It is not uncommon for foster kids to have been labeled with three to ten diagnoses. Once so labeled by a professional, then almost all of our foster children are subjected to a variety of powerful psychotropic drugs often with immediate and sometimes permanent side effects on their developing bodies and brains. Many times, these fragile, abused, frighten children actually become psychotic, suicidal, and more violent due to the medication roulette that is played on these re-victimized children.

Who among us would not have serious behavioral and emotional problems if we, too, were abused, repeatedly moved from foster home to foster home, hospitalized, institutionalized, and never have experienced the joy and affirmation of a stable, loving human relationship? Who among us would not be experiencing a variety of “symptoms” such as difficulty in concentrating, academic underachievement, difficulty in maintaining peer relationships, profound sadness, generalized anxiety about current or future situations, periodical moments of anger and explosiveness, and repetitive lying to protect ourselves from consequences for our improper behavior? Are these “symptoms” not normal reactions to an abnormal situation?

We better serve our wounded children by respecting them for making existential decisions to misbehave as opposed to suggest that they are but the victims of underlying “mental disorders.” Children can understand that they have been unfairly victimized by those who didn’t know how to love them, but their decision to hurt others is their existential decision to be a “wounded hater.” When they are taught, shown, and experience unconditional love, these children can then evolve to becoming “wounded healers” by using their pain to help others. When we believe and teach children that their behavior is due to an underlying “mental disorder” we unfairly diminish and condemn them to a life of helplessness.

Our calling as foster parents and therapists is to affirm each child by appreciating the depths of his wounds but also by expecting and demanding personal accountability for one’s actions. The human spirit is irrepressible and every child has the desire to love and be loved. If we have to diagnose a child, let it begin with looking the child in the eye and telling him “You are one of God’s children.”

 

 

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